It's been a great life to be Frank

In his column, which he describes as a ‘stramash in the goalmouth of Rock ‘n’ Roll,’ the celebrated songwriter, producer and manager, JOHN McLAUGHLIN, shares with us his insights into the music and entertainment world.

LET'S start this month’s feature with a massive congratulations to the legend and wonderful man Martin O’Neill and the fight-to-the-end Celtic squad who won the double this season against all the odds, with just about everyone—bar Hibs fans—rooting against us! I’ve never been so happy to win a league in my puff. It aged me 10 years watching a bunch of these games and also had me jumping as high in air as our Martin in his heyday, but it was worth every single minute and mini heart attack! Thank you Bhoys. I would also like to say Callum McGregor is my Celtic hero. I adore him. This leads me on nicely to June’s stramash in the goalmouth of Rock n Roll where I bring you the story of fellow Milton man and Celtic cult hero Frank McAvennie.

A road less travelled

I never took the easy or normal path to anything in my life and that includes football. I never really played football until I was nearly 19. I played with the primary school, St Augustine’s, in the Milton. I played in my brother's team, who was two years older than me—he was hopeless though! I was a wee Jimmy Johnstone, a wee ginger haired winger and that St Augustine’s team I played for actually won a couple of trophies.

I wasn’t that bothered about playing the game because my dad used to take me home and away to all the Celtic games, so I thought ok this is my life. I left school at 14, it was doing nothing for me, so I just took whatever work I could get and enjoyed following Celtic, the atmosphere in the jungle and the singing. It was my life it meant everything to me.

I’ve had loads of different jobs. I’ve been a painter and decorator, a mechanic, I’ve worked in a whiskey bond, I tarred the roads—I’ve had many jobs! My dad always taught me, one thing, when you’re going to do something, give it your all and do your best. Don’t ever do anything half-hearted.

I learned to play in Vallay St on the ash pitches in the Milton. You had learn quickly how to control a ball because the older boys would just come through you so that toughened you up. One day, a pal asked me to play a couple of games for Kirkintilloch. He said that there was a couple of boys who hadn’t turned up, so he asked me to play and promised me a couple of beers after it. I thought, yeah, that’ll do for me. But what I didn’t know was that there were five scouts who were watching the boy I was playing against. I don’t know what happened to the boy, but I put the ball through his legs and played a blinder and that’s how it started. I never dreamed that I was going to be a footballer, but it all really just took off from there. I was given £500 to sign for Johnstone Burgh—£500 cash. I was always a good negotiator, so I had a great weekend!

Saintly intervention

Within a year, I was signed by St Mirren and playing in the first team. I played for four years in midfield and it was incredible. I used to play on one side and Starky played on the other. We would score double figures every year. Billy Abercromby played in the middle with Tony Fitzpatrick, Jimmy Bone—we had a great team. I played in midfield because somebody got injured. I was a skinny wee runt. I looked like a Swan Vesta match. I had ginger hair and was whiter than white—I was blue! They got me into the gym and I developed pretty quickly. I was only on £60 a week and Tony Fitzpatrick—who was from Possil—used to come and pick me up every day for training to save me money on trains. He was some man and I’ll never forget how great he was to me. I became a first team pick and that got me a few pay rises. That changed my life because not just because I was in the first team, but because I could afford to go and get my head dyed blonde! I loved my time there though and it set me on my way.

London calling

I then left St Mirren and went down to London and joined West Ham United. I was on £275 a week and only went up to £380 per week, but I didn’t care about that. I believed in myself, I wanted to play against the best—as I came to the game late—I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it. I know London could be a very lonely place for most people—especially a boy from the Milton—but it took me about 10 minutes to find my feet and settle in. In fact, I settled in so well that I was a top goal scorer in Europe at one stage, but there were no goals getting shown on TV, because there was a ban on TV football at that time, so no one really noticed all that much.

At that time, I also made my debut for Scotland and I was so proud of that too. I was playing in a great West Ham team that included Alan Devonshire, Alvin Martin and Tony Cottee. It was just wonderful and Cottee was probably the best striker and finisher I played with. I got 28 goals in one season and he got 26. It was just amazing. I loved my time in London as everyone knows and it has been well documented, but I’m going to be honest with you, a lot of the stories about me are totally overblown!

Celtic pride

I then got the call from Celtic. The legend that is Billy McNeil wanted me and to be honest Celtic was the only club I was ever going to leave West Ham for. Arsenal wanted me and a few Italian teams did too, but it was Celtic for me. It was the centenary season and massively important to everyone at Celtic especially the fans— me being one of them! I got off to a slow start, but I soon found my form and the goals started to flow. I scored two against Rangers in the New Year’s Day game and, of course, two in the Scottish Cup Final against Dundee United. They were wonderful days and I’ll never forget them. We became experts in finding a way to score late goals that won us the league and Scottish Cup.

The following season was a tough one. Because of the many, well-documented behind the scenes disagreements regarding my deal and payments, I found myself back at West Ham as a record signing at that time. I totally loved being at Celtic and never thought I’d ever leave. I thought I was there for life, but that’s football and that’s life. I still have many great friendships with a lot of staff to this day and an affinity with club I supported as a boy, and I’m forever thankful for that. I had an incredible time at Celtic and like the late great Tommy Burns used to say, ‘when you’re from the terraces and get to wear the hoops it’s the greatest feeling in the world.’

Football gave me so much. Apart from the amazing moments on the field, I got to meet people like Frank Sinatra, Rod Stewart, Jack Nicholson and not to forget the brilliant George Best, who I played against when his Hibs team came to St Mirren. We became good friends and you can only imagine the nights out. A wee boy from the Milton, you couldn’t make it up. I also made the headlines on occasion. When I was sent off after 14 mins in the Glasgow Derby at Ibrox in the big stramash with Woods and Butcher the newspapers referred to the incident as ‘Goldilocks and the three bears.’ The most annoying thing about it was I had to buy a suit for the court case. It should never have gone to court, it was handbags at dawn!

Off the pitch

When my time as a player was up, West Ham gave me a job going around the sponsor lounges and meeting fans and so on. It was great fun and I didn’t need a name badge. Everybody knew me. I was the only one allowed to drink my way through my day there. Everybody expected me to have a glass of champers in my hand at all times!

I’m very happy these days. I have a great personal life, I’m still doing media work and I have my own podcast Let’s Be Frank, which is going like a train. I’m also an Irish citizen now and have my Irish passport, so life is sweet.